On Deserving More

I remember whispering to myself 'You deserve better' on October 28th. I remember saying 'I’m proud of you' on the 4th of November. To myself. It felt like a release, like I let out a breath of air I have been holding in for a long time. It felt like freedom. I was free from the shackles of my insecurities, the insecurities that for the past eighteen years of my life has had me feeling like I wasn’t enough. Like nothing I do could ever be enough. Like everyone was better and more talented than I am. Like everyone deserved peace and love and joy and everything beautiful. Everyone except me. Because I wasn’t good enough. I realize now that it was my fear of not being enough or worthy that for so long has had me making horrible decisions, staying in places/relationships I shouldn’t have stayed, letting people do to me things I shouldn’t have let them do to me. It was because I was scared I wasn’t enough. Every time something good happened to me, a part of me didn’t let me enjoy it. A part of me couldn’t enjoy it. A part of me kept thinking 'This can’t be for me/happening to me. I’m not worth it, I don’t deserve it’. I felt for a very long time that I did not deserve good things, beautiful things, great people, joys, love.

I was wrong.
I was more wrong than I could have ever imagined.
I deserve it all

I don’t know how this growth happened or what triggered this realization. I don’t know what made me finally realize that I was amazing and I was gifted. That I am not more or less gifted or amazing than any one. I am simply amazing and gifted and deserving. Coming to this realization, that I deserve good things made it easier for me to be proud of what I have done, built, created but most importantly, who I am. I now look at my reflection differently, I am aware of all the flaws and imperfections, I am also aware of the fact that they all come together to create not a perfect man, but a beautiful one.

This is monumental to me because being proud of me comes with valuing me. Valuing myself, valuing my gifts, my being, my emotions, my entirety has changed how I interact with people. It has changed how my relationships function, I know now that I deserve a love that comes with light, a friendship that makes me smile, a familial bond that accepts me for me and helps me be more. I deserve all this and I will not settle for less. I deserve the best. Always.

Why am I writing this? Why does it matter? It matters because today is the day I finally realize and accept that I am a bad bitch and people will treat me like I am one or fuck out of the way.